remorseful

May 8, 2010

Why do people try to make you do things which you do not like? I do not understand.. Honestly, I do. It's boldly "their truth" not "the truth".

I'm becoming this
All I want to do
Is be more like me
And be less like you
-numb,LP


Sometimes what you do is something that is against your own will. It was the terriblest thing in my life. I wanted to shout out loud that mountains will hear , but I don't want the world to see me. The world's saying.., "get out of your shell", "be confident", "show them what you've got"..
I disagree. What they see is what they get. This is me. Expessing myself with poetries, songs, blogging are the ones my blood desire most.. My not speaking-my-mind is the one they worried about. Why should they? Awful of them, I'm so sorry. Why should I cease myself from being happy doing stuffs I most likely doing? This is how I please myself, creating things I could only do with silent moments.. those are the most cherishable times.

It was a dire moment. I would cry. I don't want my name to be announced to my batchmates and worse I don't want to sing IN FRONT of them. I already said it. Ok, so now I'm crying while typing this terrible feeling of mine. I'm fully hoping to be respected, it hurts me a lot. I don't want to sing in front of people I know. I understand when they are begging for me to do it, it humbled me that much, but it's clear to me that I will never do that and I believe that every people has their own rights. Sometimes, my face don't express things I really feel. I smile when I feel cramped, upside-down, flamed, tumultous.. I'm poor in being poker face..

Unfortunately, I sung. I felt ludicrous. I did something my mind did not incessantly invoke. If someone only knows how bad I'm really feeling right now.

Unfortunately, I sung. I can't forget the look in the face of my teacher.. frowning at me.. I smiled stupidly.. She was not able to understand my begging of saying 'no'. I was so excited to see my classmates that'll gonna sing my composition.. (tears again, aurgh). That's my greatest aspiration.. feel of inner fulfillment. But, my teacher accidentally ruined everything.. She's about walking out furiously, so I stand up urgently and sung over my classmates.. I'm sure she'll be upset the moment she read this. My sincerest apology, but this is the extreme desire of my mind, to empty my depression before it explode. I'm not against her, it just so happen that she is the reason why I feel in dolor..

I feel so bad.. I know how my classmates practiced for that and I'm already more than rewarded knowing that their going to sing one of the song I did, singing it by myself has never collided my mind.. How can moment be so miserly.. I was so happy seeing my classmates practice and feel a bit nervous and excited. I know my classmates are disappointed though they try to smile.. One of my classmates practiced her best, I have already told her that she'll be the one leading my classmates in microphone.. But it did't.. Ma'am gave me a sour face and it made me feel like I don't want anyone feeling bad just because of me.. so I did the whole thing.. tsk

Nakakawala ng mukha

I stayed at the comfort room feeling disappointed. Ma'am doesn't know what it means to me.

Wishing she'll never see this blog.. But I halfly hope she'll do..

Thanks, God.. May 8 is meaningful.. <=(

God is good

A pleasant day to you reading my blog.

I would like to start anything I would like to do by praising my Reason. God is good. Why? Because "I" exist.. With all the people, faces, voices, races.. He planned to create me.. Maybe this world would be a better place if I'm not here.. But He trusted "me" with all the other things he have created. Everyone of us has his own responsibilities, not because we are obliged to.. but because each one of us has our "own" characteristics that can only be found to us, only to us.. so responsibility is entrusted to us not to make our life miserable but for us to figure out our difference, our unique skills, for us to spend life meaningfully.

I'm just an average student. I'm not that smart and I will never understand Him fully.. But I know Him.. I love Him.. though I haven't ever seen Him.. I could feel Him.. He proves that His always there by answering my prayers.. with a 'yes' or a 'no'.. always for my own good.. And because of that, I'm so humbled..