May 8, 2010
Why do people try to make you do things which you do not like? I do not understand.. Honestly, I do. It's boldly "their truth" not "the truth".
I'm becoming this
All I want to do
Is be more like me
And be less like you
-numb,LP
Sometimes what you do is something that is against your own will. It was the terriblest thing in my life. I wanted to shout out loud that mountains will hear , but I don't want the world to see me. The world's saying.., "get out of your shell", "be confident", "show them what you've got"..
I disagree. What they see is what they get. This is me. Expessing myself with poetries, songs, blogging are the ones my blood desire most.. My not speaking-my-mind is the one they worried about. Why should they? Awful of them, I'm so sorry. Why should I cease myself from being happy doing stuffs I most likely doing? This is how I please myself, creating things I could only do with silent moments.. those are the most cherishable times.
It was a dire moment. I would cry. I don't want my name to be announced to my batchmates and worse I don't want to sing IN FRONT of them. I already said it. Ok, so now I'm crying while typing this terrible feeling of mine. I'm fully hoping to be respected, it hurts me a lot. I don't want to sing in front of people I know. I understand when they are begging for me to do it, it humbled me that much, but it's clear to me that I will never do that and I believe that every people has their own rights. Sometimes, my face don't express things I really feel. I smile when I feel cramped, upside-down, flamed, tumultous.. I'm poor in being poker face..
Unfortunately, I sung. I felt ludicrous. I did something my mind did not incessantly invoke. If someone only knows how bad I'm really feeling right now.
Unfortunately, I sung. I can't forget the look in the face of my teacher.. frowning at me.. I smiled stupidly.. She was not able to understand my begging of saying 'no'. I was so excited to see my classmates that'll gonna sing my composition.. (tears again, aurgh). That's my greatest aspiration.. feel of inner fulfillment. But, my teacher accidentally ruined everything.. She's about walking out furiously, so I stand up urgently and sung over my classmates.. I'm sure she'll be upset the moment she read this. My sincerest apology, but this is the extreme desire of my mind, to empty my depression before it explode. I'm not against her, it just so happen that she is the reason why I feel in dolor..
I feel so bad.. I know how my classmates practiced for that and I'm already more than rewarded knowing that their going to sing one of the song I did, singing it by myself has never collided my mind.. How can moment be so miserly.. I was so happy seeing my classmates practice and feel a bit nervous and excited. I know my classmates are disappointed though they try to smile.. One of my classmates practiced her best, I have already told her that she'll be the one leading my classmates in microphone.. But it did't.. Ma'am gave me a sour face and it made me feel like I don't want anyone feeling bad just because of me.. so I did the whole thing.. tsk
Nakakawala ng mukha
I stayed at the comfort room feeling disappointed. Ma'am doesn't know what it means to me.
Wishing she'll never see this blog.. But I halfly hope she'll do..
Thanks, God.. May 8 is meaningful.. <=(
